Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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