I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
