you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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