Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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