my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
