Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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