Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
