I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
