I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
