new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
