this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
where am i from again
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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