...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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