i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
