At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
