I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize