I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
