Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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