He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
