im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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