Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
