ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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