I'm so fucking centered right now
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
