Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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