i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
