Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
