I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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