I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
