After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
