So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
