how hairy? two words: wookie tits
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
