I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
