I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
