Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
