I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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