1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
