Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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