I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Randomize
