fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
