it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
