sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I need moral support for this bender
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Randomize
