I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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