you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
