Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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