party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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