Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
