All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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