I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
