I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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