Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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