my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
