I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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