Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
