When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
