he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
