Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
