I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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