yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
