If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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