so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize