i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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